Our relationship with our parents is always a complex one. It is a multilayered connection that affects several aspects of our lives and shapes who we are. In this episode, Daniel Weinberg sits down with an international nomad living across multiple countries to discuss his own relationship with his parents. He shares how he developed a stronger bond with his father after her mother became ill, attempted suicide, and opened up about her past mistakes. The guest also explains how this turning point in their family made their dynamic more rooted in honesty, support, compassion, and forgiveness.
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Anonymous
Introducing This Episode’s Guest
Welcome. Thanks for coming on the show.
It’s a pleasure to be here. Thank you for having me on the show.
We’ll dive straight in. Where are you at?
I’m in Menorca in the Balearic.
Where’s Menorca?
Menorca is one of the Balearic Islands. It’s a part of Spain. I am in Europe. It’s two hours from my usual home in Brighton in the UK.
What made you go to Menorca?
I’ve bought a house here with a couple of buddies. It’s got a tourist license. We’re doing it as a business venture to take from 4 bedrooms to 7. It’s got a bit of land. We’ll make it a very small boutique retreat.
Why don’t you tell us your life journey?
I was born and bred in Brighton, UK. I grew up outside of Brighton. I had a year off after my A levels and went traveling around Asia and Australia. I went back to the UK to finish university. I spent a couple of years in corporate, came out of corporate with a bit of money in my pocket, bought my first apartment, and saw it as an opportunity to pivot my career at 23, which is quite bizarre.
I ended up in Australia at 25. For twelve years, I was in Hong Kong, America, and back to the UK. My career has been primarily lifestyle, hospitality, and branding in the alcohol sector. In the last few years, I’ve been looking for a lifestyle replacement in Australia, such as water, air, and nature outside. That’s where Menorca came on the horizon. I’m not married. I don’t have any kids.
Never married?
Never married, not consciously. My life is very led by my instinct and emotional connection to myself. At times, I don’t listen to that or pay attention to it. I could probably be doing to be a lot more connected to it but I’ve been very fortunate to listen to my intuition and pay attention to my instinct to guide me through my life rather than being forced to make decisions about my life.
Have you always been good at doing that or it’s something that you inherently the way you are and lean into that over time?
I’ve always been very intuitive. I’m very in tune with my emotions and energy but I don’t think I’ve ever harnessed that power. I’ve had medium sessions and all sorts of alternative healing. I’m very in tune. Energetic people turn around and say, “You’ve got a very powerful energy. You need to pay more attention to it. My energy is screaming out for me to do it but there’s a tiny bit of hesitation from my side around it.
His Complex Relationship With His Parents
In this episode, we’re going to deep dive into what men’s relationships are like with their parents, mother, and father. You’ve got quite an interesting story, which played out over time. Let’s start a little bit with your childhood. If you had to describe your childhood, you’d have happy memories. What’s your recollection of your childhood? We’ll then go into your recollection of what the relationship was like between your parents and each of them individually.
That’s an interesting point because your childhood is one part and your relationships are another. Generally, I had a great childhood. I was surrounded by a very loving family and siblings but not cousins. My cousins were very young.
How many siblings do you have?
Two sisters, one older, one younger.
Are you a middle child?
Middle child, only boy. It’s a double whammy. My cousins were a little bit younger. I have lots of friends and family friends. There are lots of get-togethers with parents, friends, and their kids. It’s a nice suburb with grandparents around. We have big family moments with grandparents, mom and dad, sisters, and uncles and aunties. Childhood was fun. My grandparents had a huge house with a lot of land so I learned to drive in their field at fifteen. Obviously, you’re not meant to learn to drive at fifteen but my mom had a sporty car. She went, “Come on, I’ll teach you how to drive in the field.”
Handbrake turn was the first lesson. She’s like, “If you pull the handbrake up, the car will skid and that’s called a handbrake turn.” I was running around the field the whole time of that lesson. My dad in his very early years had an engineering mind. He was building camps in the garden. It was an amazing camp because he’s an engineer. From that perspective, it was bonfires, fireworks, and air rifles.
The things in that era, that’s what you did. I always see these funny photos of kids on BMXs with the mags and that’s our era. When we were younger, we weren’t on phones. We were riding around the neighborhood, exploring abandoned houses, pretending we owned them, and playing manhunt in big spaces of land. That was it. It was BMXs, bonfires, and motorbikes when I got old enough. It was a little bit of adventure. My relationship with my parents was very different.
How would you describe your mom when you were a preteen? How would you describe what your father was like?
In my preteens, my mom was busy. She was always in the car going somewhere and doing something. She grew her businesses and had multiple businesses. She was a house mom for the early years and then wanted a career or independence back or to go and do something because we were getting older. The age difference is when I was 10, my younger sister was 6 and my older one was 12. It’s fairly self-sufficient as a three but essentially, we’d always be darting around somewhere and waiting in the car while she was going off to do things.
She’d always had acupuncture from a very early age. We’d be sitting in the car playing while she was inside having an hour of acupuncture. I’m not sure whether I’d leave three kids in a car while I was away but that’s what happened. Probably 10 or 11 rather than preteens like 13 odd, my dad was busy, stressed, corporate, tired, fatigued, and had very limited time from Monday to Friday. It was a little bit of a scramble to get time with him on a Saturday.
The relationship with your parents you’d say was more dominated by your mother, even though she seemed to be a bit of an independent, sprightly businesswoman, which was your take. Your father was working all the time and didn’t have time for the kids. Weekends were a bit of time with him.
Pretty much.
You had a stronger relationship with your mother growing up then?
Yeah. We’re kindred spirits in many ways, very in tune with each other, and energetically get each other. She’s very intuitive when she chooses to be very in touch with her emotions. The appearance is what you take away from that moment and then as life moves on, you learn what was maybe going on in his world. My dad appeared to be not that in tune energetically or emotionally. He was very busy and stressed.
He retired when I was 16 or 17. He came into my mom’s business and then they grew that business until they sold it and retired. Dad was back on the scene properly. He was never not on the scene. He was just busy and stressed. That dynamic changed because he was around a lot more. It was just a few years ago that I fully understood what was going on in his world around that time.
What was your relationship like with him in those teenage years and early adulthood?
Not good. I would be yearning for his attention. He was stressed and tired. I was probably an annoyance at that time when you were trying to have a bit of peace and quiet. In my 5, 6, and 7 to probably 15 and 16, it wasn’t a male bond at that time.
If you had a problem, let’s say you had a breakup with a girlfriend or something that was affecting you emotionally, would you go to either your mom or dad and open up about it?
I’d go to my mom, I would never go to my dad.
You’d go straight to your mom. She was your mentor and advisor, and never your father.
My oldest sister had a different relationship with my father. Oedipus theory. They conversed a lot and spent a lot of time together. He loves reading. She loves reading. In many ways, they bonded more naturally, whereas my mom and I are more similar in our approach, energy, and free spirit. We bonded in a different way. I probably have a better relationship with my mom than my older sister. My older sister has a better relationship with my dad than she does with my mom.
What do you remember about their relationship? Do you remember the household being a household that was very loving and had open communication? Was there fighting and arguing? What was the energy or vibe that you had in the household growing up?
There’s a lot of raised voices from my father’s side. He was raising his voice a lot.
Was it at you or her?
Me but all of us and at her. He was very reactional. You’d see a little bit of love but it wasn’t full of love. We weren’t not loved. Mom would love and still show lots of emotion to us all to the point that you’re like, “Chill. I get it. I understand.” You wouldn’t necessarily see it all the time between them. It was more for the kids, rather than seeing them in love all the time.
Were they affectionate with each other?
At times. It was not frosty. I don’t think I’d ever remember a moment where we were all curled up together. Maybe on Christmas day when we’d all jump into their bed and open presents when we were young but it wasn’t like cool Sunday night’s movie night and we all got on the couch together with popcorn and hung out. We would have been together but in separate chairs. Someone would be on the floor because the fire would be on. It wasn’t an overly “let’s all snuggle up and watch something.”
Were they affectionate with you in general or affectionate with each other?
My mom always was. My sisters and I have made it a bit of a subconscious project to make my dad more affectionate over the last several years. The girls probably had more affection for him. There was never a moment where there was a lack of affection from my mother but not both of them and not both of them together.
How His Parents Affected His Romantic Relationships
Observing their relationship and your relationship with them, how do you think that affected the significant romantic relationships that you’ve had in your life?
There are two very easy ways. One is that in my earlier years, and maybe I still do it, friends will probably tell you I do but some other people very early on, I show lots of affection and emotion. I drop the L bomb very quickly.
Why do you think?
I think that was learned behavior from my mother overly expressing to get back the same attention and affection.
It’s like an exchange. “If I do this, then that’s what I want to get back.”
Yeah, but it’s not an agreed-upon exchange.
It’s with yourself. It’s like, “If I give, then I should get back in return. What I’m giving is what I want.”
My mom and uncle grew up in a children’s home. My grandparents turned their home into a children’s home.
What does that mean?
They had a very large property and turned it into a children’s home.
Was it like a foster home, you mean?
Yeah. Over the years of probably my mom being thirteen years old, there were probably hundreds of kids that would have come through that house. They had to share Christmas and their parents with them. We always thought in the last few years that maybe my mom felt there was a void because of that. I don’t think Mom likes silence. She likes a busy household, people, things, and lots of busyness because that’s how she was raised.
While she had a lovely childhood in her own words, there was always an exchange of, “If I show you love, would do I get love back?” That was the environment she was raised in. We all have a choice as humans to understand our parents’ upbringing, understand what is learned behavior, and change that pattern if we choose to. There are some things that have happened in my childhood that I’ve decided to change that pattern.
We all have a choice as humans to understand our parents’ upbringing and change that pattern if we choose to. Share on XLet’s say you get a little bit too generous and too early on in the relationship in terms of wanting to shower your partner with love, emotion, and gifts. You want to feel the love back. You said there was another learning. What was the second learning?
It was being reactional. It was my dad’s learned behavior is reacting. It’s not his. He learned it from his father.
Give me an example when you say that.
Let’s say that I was helping him with something in the garden because he’s a crazy engineer. He would give me some tools and I would have left them all over the garden because my mind’s a little bit more free-spirited than his but I am very meticulous. He would have gone crazy if all these tools had been left all over the garden and overreacted very verbally and loudly. When I was younger, it was very scary.
You carry that into some of your relationships as well.
I’ve learned that that’s a way of clearing something and dealing with something but it isn’t. It’s taken me years to understand that that’s not a normal way of dealing with the situation. You’d think these things would all be cleared out the way but you can spend a lifetime dealing with it.
Something happened and I thought, “I wonder what it would be like to sit in silence when something happens.” Someone I was talking to said, “When something intense happens in their world, they get very quiet.” I’m the polar opposite. I would react like, “What the fuck is going on here or there?” I then go, “Let’s process this.” Within five minutes, I’ll probably be quite calm.
The reaction is the learned behavior. There are so many people I know or have met who go, “God, you’re so chilled.” Those that know me are like, “Are you fucking kidding?” When you have a reactional tendency, it overrides your calmness or generosity because people remember the most impressionable moment, whatever that might be. It was the generosity of affection and emotion coupled with being reactive.
The over-generous behavior with your emotions has not resulted in a positive outcome. What’s the learning there in terms of how that affected your relationships? Is it well received or it becomes too much for the other?
Both. Some relationships would have come to an end because it’s like, “You’re too intense.” Other relationships would have fallen apart because of their reactive nature. There’s the odd relationship that people see through it and go, “That’s not who you are. It’s a learned behavior. That’s something that can change and evolve. You work through it.” Those relationships are very few and far between because that requires someone else to be very evolved in themselves and say, “This isn’t you. I know it’s not you. Let’s work out what this is or work out a better way of coming together and communicating if something triggers you and you react to it.”
You’ve not experienced that you’re saying?
No. I’ve had two relationships in my lifetime where I’ve had an opportunity to work through it.
How His Relationship With His Father Changed
The relationship with your father changed around a few years ago. What was the event in your life that changed that direction?
My mom got sick and had to have an operation on her pancreas. Coming out of that operation because it was a very invasive operation, she became very depressed and was in a lot of pain. She ended up being put on some medication that started to affect her system. It shut down part of her digestive system. She got into even more pain and went back to the hospital numerous times. They said that there was nothing wrong with her. There’s nothing medically wrong from cancer to anything in her kidney, liver, and anything. In the end, she decided to try and exit this world because she couldn’t deal with the pain.
What do you mean when you said she tried to exit this world?
She tried to commit suicide.
Where were you when this happened?
I was in Cornwall, England. They were in Brighton, which is 5 or 6 hours away. My sisters were around the area where they lived. My dad found her and rang my sister. They’ve got a very long drive and the house is very set back from the road. He said, “You need to come over and help me. Something’s happened here.” My sister came in.
My dad waited for an ambulance because they would never have found the house. My mom kept going for my sister saying, “You’ve got to help me finish this.” My sister had her journey and experience of this situation. The situation is the situation and it’s mom’s path, not my path. It might seem a bit cold but if I try and take ownership of that situation, I become a victim and probably fall in a heap on the floor. I’m a part of the journey but I’m not a part of the situation.
This sounds a little bit like maybe what you processed over a few years.
That was my immediate reaction.
You went into very controlled emotion mode. That was your way of dealing with it.
There were tears and it was shit that that happened. I was down in Cornwall doing surfing or some kind of class. My brother-in-law rang me and said, “Where are you?” I told him. He said, “You need to get back to Brighton because this has happened.” I was like, “What?” I had six hours in the car on my own. My older sister was ringing me because my younger sister was in pieces with the situation.
She was like, “I’ll talk to you for six hours if you want.” I was like, “Please don’t. That would be worse than what’s happened. I’ll be fine.” Music, air, stopping, processing, and thinking. My girlfriend at the time was amazing. She’d met my mom. She said, “You ring me as many times as you want and we’ll get you back to Brighton.” I was fine. I was in control of the car. I wasn’t in pieces. I’ve got to get back to my dad, mom, and sisters over worrying about where mom was at. There was a bit of a disconnect.
Explain it to me. Walk me through that. It sounds like you almost try to protect yourself from the hurt.
It wasn’t that. My mom and I are so emotionally connected. The disconnect was I’ve got to survive without her. All my life, I’ve had that amazing emotional connection and then this is what it will like be when she goes.
In the previous event, did you talk to your mother daily or weekly?
Daily.
Was there no sign? Did you have no indication?
There were signs. Years before, she had to go into a private hospital because she said, “Coming out of this operation, I don’t want to be here anymore.” My dad and I looked at each other and said, “We can’t deal with this. We’re not emotionally trained or anything.” She ended up going into a private hospital for four months. We knew there was a depression in there. I say all of this lightly. This is my experience and interpretation. Everyone else has their own way of interpreting these types of things.
When she said she didn’t want to be here anymore, it was like, “That’s where you’re at. We can do everything to support you.” My immediate piece was my dad and sisters are okay. This situation unfolded and happened. She kept going in a cycle of depression after she tried to leave the world. Eventually, I sat down with her and said, “What is it that you’re holding on to that’s not letting you come out of this?” They’re financially secure. They haven’t worked for a long time. The business was sold and lovely house.
Their friends were coming and going, as in passing away but essentially, you look at it and go, “What’s wrong here?” Eventually, I worked out by listening to myself that at some point in her lifetime, she’d probably had an extramarital affair. I said to her, “Is it business, money, life, or love?” She eventually looked at me when I said love. I felt it. I said, “Have you had an affair?” My sister was in the room. We were in the hospital.
Was this after the event?
Yeah.
You are openly talking to her.
I’m trying to get into why this has happened. The pain was one thing but it was the depression that came. The pain led her to try and take her life but depression is the thing that lingers. You’re like, “What’s making you depressed?” Depression comes from somewhere. “What’s the root cause of this depression?” Nothing was coming out from her. In the end, I was like, “This is fucking boring. Is this it?” I then said, “This isn’t it. This isn’t how we work,” as in her and I. I said, “What is it? Tell me. We’ll work out how to set you free from whatever it is.” It turned out she’d had an affair when we were in our teens.
Pain leads a person to take their life. Depression is the thing that lingers. Share on XShe acknowledged it.
She said, “Yes, I did.” It’s one thing to feel that.
Did she tell you who and how long? Did you dig in after?
I said to her, “Have you had an affair?” She turned immediately and looked at me in the eyes like she would when we would connect. She went, “I have.” My little sister, who was on the other side of the room, looked at me and said, “What just happened?” I went, “Who with?” She went, “I’m not telling you who with.” I said, “Do we know them?” She went, “Yes, but I’m not telling you.”
When you’re in a psychotic, not episodes but in the peaks and troughs of depression, I’m not that I’ve been in that high and low. It’s fairly bipolar but sitting next to someone for eleven years that has been in that flow, you start to understand how it works. You’re never going to know what they’re going through but they become very different human beings.
The way she’s now and the way you remember her in your childhood are not the same people.
No. There’s a lot of warmth back from her but all that warmth was gone. It was very black and white. It was like, “I’m not happy. I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here.” There was nothing like, “Darling, can you help me try and get myself back?” All the emotion and warmth in her are gone. She’s given up completely. I said, “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. Shit happens. People cheat. People have affairs. Things happen but we’re okay. We, three kids, are totally fine. We’re not damaged humans. Nicola is happily married. Susie is happily married. I happily do my thing.” When she’s in that depression cycle, it doesn’t matter what I’m saying. She’s the one who needs to get there. We left.
You never asked her, “Does dad know?”
I did say to her then. I said, “Does dad know?” She went, “Of course, he does.” I got in the car and left the hospital. I said to my sister, “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ring Dad.” She said, “Leave it where it is.” I went, “I can’t. I need to understand if he’s okay and let him know that we’re here for support. This is a big thing.” She said, “Let me know when you’ve done it. I don’t want to be involved.”
What’s the relationship like with your father at this stage dealing with your mom and her depression? Did the relationship change and open up?
My sisters got kids. When mom first had her operation in 2013, my sisters were a little bit at the end of their tether. We get called all the time. Mom’s sick. It was a sickness that we all thought was a life-ending sickness. They were on hand all the time in the house. I lived in Australia. I said, “It’s time for me to come home.” I came back, moved into my family home for a few months, and said, “Dad, I’m here to help.” Fast forward, whatever that was, 6, 7, 8 years, or probably a bit longer, my dad and I’s bond has changed dramatically. We have the most insane bond.
You changed that. It’s a pretty common story when boys are growing up and their fathers are hardworking. They’re trying to create a life for the family but have no idea about the stresses, pressure, and what they’re going through. It’s sometimes an open, vulnerable, and emotional relationship. What you’re showing here is that regardless, there’s always a time when that can be created, even if you didn’t have that as a youth.
I moved back into the family home. We had Christmas that year after the operation. She was not there. It was boxing day. I went to see some friends and she said, “I don’t want to be here anymore.” I looked at her and said, “If you need to do something for yourself, do whatever you need to do. I’m going to see these friends. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” Dad had gone out with the dogs or something. I came back and she was still there. She said, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t get myself out of this head space.”
That’s when my dad and I said, “We need to go to the family doctor.” They put her into a private hospital. What happened off the back of that is that Dad and I spent an insane and very emotional amount of time together. You let go of all previous understandings. That was a time to understand my dad more because we were together every day. It was very touch and go. It went from mom being sick to mom not wanting to be here to then mom being put into a hospital.
How is he managing that emotionally?
He’s a very resilient man but he doesn’t communicate emotionally a lot. For him, he was retaining all of his energy and thoughts. There’d be the odd moment where he’d break down and I broke down and then the girls would be there and we’d all break down. It changed our dynamic and we formed a very different bond.
He made himself a little bit more vulnerable to you and you a little bit more opened up to him.
I was an adult. I’ve been away from home for a long time. There’s a lot more understanding of life and what he’s probably been through. Our bond started to change then but fast forward to the incident of Mom attempting to take her life, it changed even more. When something that traumatic happens in a relationship or family unit, all the shitty bickering gets thrown out the window. You go into survival mode for everyone else that’s there.
People say this, “The victims of suicide are the people that are still alive.” It’s because they have to live with that situation without any answers and an opportunity to understand. “How did I let that person get to that point on their own?” Luckily for us, we still had this person alive so we could ask the questions. We went through a family mediation with guided mediation.
You contracted a third-party professional to help the family work through that. I was not aware of that as a process.
There was so much trauma for my dad and Nicola because of what happened to her. I said, “The only way we can all get through this is if we share where we are.” We had 4 or 5 sessions.
Was it with your mother?
She was for some in and for some out. She read a letter out about how she felt and said, “I feel like I’ve let the family down. I’ve broken the family based on my actions but it was a psychotic episode.” She then had a spiral because depression is up and down. Every 3 to 6 months, you’re back in the spiral. We never got to finish that situation. What’s happened has changed our family dynamic.
We’re all such loving people because we’ve all got that nature of love. That takes over the negative side of it. I speak to my younger sister every other day. We’ve got the most insane bond. Trauma makes relationships stronger as well. Generally, hopefully, not all but some people come out the other side with a better bond with their siblings, parents, or whatever it might be.
Let’s go back to the relationship with your father. “Dad, I want to know about this affair.”
No, I didn’t do it like that. I said, “Dad, I need to ask you something. I’m going to let you tell me before I say anything. Was there anything that happened in your relationship with mom in our teens that you’ve never been able to share?”
It sounds like a softball question.
He went, “No, I don’t think so.” I went, Dad.” The second time, he was like, “No.” I went, “Dad, I’m going to be a little bit more direct. Did mom have an affair?” He was like, “Oh, that.” I went, “Yes, that.” He went, “Tell me what’s happened.” I said, “We went to see mom yesterday. This is what happened.” He went, “Yes, she did.” I went, “Was it with,” and I said someone. He went, “No.” I said, “But you know who it is?” He went, “Yes.” I said, “I’d like to know.” He went, “Are you sure you want to know?” I said, “I do want to know.” He told me and I went, “Really?”
“Uncle Harry.”
I won’t say who it is.
It doesn’t matter. That’s irrelevant.
He went, “What are you going to do with this?” I went, “Nothing. I’m old enough for this to not affect me. I’m here to support you and let you know that we love you for what you would have had to have gone through.” There’s something very interesting here. In the journey of mom being hospitalized, one day, Dad got tipsy and muttered, “If I’d done what I wanted to do, I probably would have lost my relationship with you. It never made sense.”
He means, “I would have left.”
He never remembered that comment but that comment makes sense. I said, “Why didn’t you leave?” He went, “How could I? I had three kids.” I experienced that happening but I then witnessed from a long time ahead all the stress of him made sense. The guy’s relationship was falling apart. Something had happened there. I thought he was stressed but there’s me going, “Dad.” He’s like, “Leave me the fuck alone.” You’re like, “I’ve closed a cycle here.” Suddenly it was like, “I understand him a bit more.”
How His Relationship With His Parents Evolved
Do you recall the change of the dynamic of their relationship over time from when you were younger to when you’re older, the pre and post-severe?
I was at a point at the time where their relationship felt more companionship rather than they’re a married couple with affection and all the rest of it. There was a change there. I didn’t probably realize it at the time but looking back, I’m like, “That’s what that was.” Mom still doesn’t know that I know who it was. I didn’t go back to her and go, “It’s that person.” Nothing’s ever been said against it.
We knew that she’d done it and it was like, “What a relief.” I went, “Mom, let it go. It’s okay. Everyone’s okay. It’s time to let this burden go. Shit happens.” For Dad, it was being heard and seen. It’s like, “I hear you sharing what’s happened. I see you for the pain that you probably went through on your own. We are here to listen to you. We see you. We love and respect you for staying there. Although it’s a long time down the road, we’re here for you.”
What’s also interesting is effectively out of something so traumatic. Such a negative experience came with a lot of silver linings in a way. Your relationship with your father must be better than ever, both for him and you. Also, your relationship with your sister who you speak to daily. It’s brought you together in a way as a family because there’s also a lot more honesty. There’s not an illusion or facade going on but you had to face the reality. You faced it and worked through it together.
Our trauma is not unique. There are lots of people around the world who go through family affairs, family situations, and trauma. It’s like anything that you might be talking about in these episodes. You get taught this through business. When you’ve got investors, they’re like, “We’re not investing in the business. We’re investing in you and how you deal with things. You can get yourself out of things.” It comes down to how we all get ourselves through things and out of things.
Life comes down to how we get ourselves through and out of things. Share on XI remember the business side of things with challenging moments in the startup world. There was one moment in particular where I probably spent two years wallowing in self-pity. “I’m not good enough. I shouldn’t have done this. I can’t get myself through this.” It was my mom who turned around and said, “What do you need?” I was like, “I need this much money. This is how I’m going to rebuild it.” She went, “I’ll give it to you. Don’t tell your dad.” I said, “You’re going to get repaid.” She went, “I trust you. You get on but stop wallowing in the pity and get on with it.”
It allowed me to turn myself around. I don’t want to sound spoiled in any way here but there’s an element of privilege there of someone being able to turn around and say, “What do you need? I’ll help you.” She got repaid. The point I was trying to make is I could have wallowed for five years. The people that you see navigate life are the ones that take these moments, process them, and go, “It is just life. The quicker I can get through this, the quicker I can get back on with life.” The only way through is through.
Losing someone through something like suicide will always be traumatic. Mom didn’t want to do it. It was a cry for help but if mom had done what she tried to do, I’d be sitting here probably weeping and going, “My mom, that beautiful woman and lovely soul.” We were lucky to get to the other side of that, get the answers, and get through it. It came to honesty and bonding. We are in a stronger place but there’s still a disconnect in places.
Our dynamic as a family has changed but there is a lot more honesty. My older sister and I have moments. I don’t think I’ve ever had an argument with my younger sister. There’s no point of difference. My oldest sister and I have got to a point where we said, “We don’t want to lose each other’s relationship. The only way to do it is to be honest with each other. When something comes up, what is it that’s triggering you?” I can either step back or she can step back or we can work out how to navigate through it. That’s the journey.
Rapid-Fire Questions And Final Words
That is quite the journey. What I usually do at the end of these episodes is I do a bit of a fire of questions. You can answer it with 1-liners or 30-second responses. I’ll jump into that and we’ll go from there. The first one I’d say is who would you like to say sorry to if given the chance?
Myself. I thought about this. There are lots of people that you can say sorry to but fundamentally, you need to forgive yourself before you can apologize to others. I would apologize to myself. My secondary part might be a couple of people but the most dominant in all of these situations that I could reflect on is myself.
There are lots of people whom you can say sorry to. But fundamentally, you need to forgive yourself first. Share on XI’m smiling because I’ve had the same response before. What are you proud of being or doing in your life?
I’m a connector. Whatever’s going on in my professional life, personal life, or family life, I bring people together and connect people. I’m not being arrogant here in any way but there are lots of situations that I know of where things have happened as a consequence of me connecting. What an amazing thing. There was no monetary gain or ego of me going, “That was me.”
It’s a pay-it-forward.
I pride myself. If I feel something from someone and I feel that would be good, I don’t hesitate to connect. I don’t worry if they’re going to connect or get on. I go, “You need to speak to that person.”
When did you receive kindness whilst needing it most and expecting it least?
This is a very funny one but it was you. We’ve had a friendship for years. We’ve worked out thereabouts. We’ve had our moments in our lives. There have been some moments in my business life where I probably needed guidance, support, or mentorship without judgment, and you gave it. If I think of any of our deepest conversations, I’ve never heard a judgment come back from you to me, about anyone else, or as a response to anyone else. You’re very good at listening, processing, offering, support, and mentorship without judgment. It was you.
Thank you.
Pleasure. Thank you.
What did your mother or father teach you that you frequently remind yourself of?
The biggest ones are compassion and love. Always have your door open. Our household door was always open. Friends of mine who had more troubling and challenging home lives spent so much time staying at our house. They would turn around and say, “Uncle Nick,” as a lot of people call him. He gets triggered. Their interpretation would also be mine but they would be like my mom, “Kris was so lovely. She loves the world and everyone.” Underneath everything that’s come out, that is how everybody would probably remember our household.
Here’s the final one, which is my favorite. What’s your superpower?
Energy. I would be able to feel where the world’s energy is disconnected and connected. It might be a person, family, place, or community. Feeling the energy but being able to connect that energy. Think about the world’s problems. If you could lay a load of love over Israel and Iran and say, “I can do that. I can shower love on Israel,” everyone’s like, “We love.” I would have that superpower to shower and feel emotion and energy to then travel that energy and emotion where it was needed.
That sounds like a superpower.
It’s a busy job.
I want to say thank you for taking the time. It’s a big subject. Thank you for sharing. It’s very personal but the audience will feel a lot of value from what we talked about in getting into the deep insights into dealing with such a situation. If I had to visualize having to go through something like that myself, the word would be TRAUMATIC. It’s amazing that you can tell the story, not only with a smile but also showing all the good stuff that came out of it, not just the negativity and bleakness of it all. Thank you for that.
A lot of people might not be able to navigate that easily for whatever reason. I don’t talk about it in public. There are friends that I talked to about it openly but it’s not a public thing. Maybe there’s one audience who might listen to this and be like, “I had something similar. I’d love to connect and chat.” I’m very fortunate that I was able to come through that in the way that I did. Thank you for having me.
Thank you. Take it easy.
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